This week end she felt very sad and spent most of the day in her room, dreaming and reading. Saturday her mother took Maude and the father with her to visit a museum and Sunday they went to an exposition, but Kim had to stay at home. More and more she lived in a dream world, such a one she knew from films and books. A world, where harmony, love, freedom and tenderness was all around. She waited yearning for a man to come, a man who would understand her and her wishes, who would give her freedom from all those forces and rules she lived under and made her life hell on earth. She wished to be loved and hold tenderly, to be caressed and kissed from the man she will love forever. She wished to be free to choose her own friends, her clothes and her hobbies, she dreamt to have the liberty to go where she wants. Her sister was not old enough to understand her, the grandmother was helpless against the strong character of Arden and the father didn't say anything, concerning the education of the girls. So Kim had to go through the very difficult phase of puberty alone! Sometimes, when she was lying on her bed and feelings and longings were overcoming her young body, whose origins she didn't knew, but whose urging demanded satisfaction, then she chose a big soft toy and snuggled up deeply in the blanket, to hide before her mother if she would enter the room as suddenly as she used to do.
A few day later there was a great agitation in the house of the O'Keary family. Lloyd O'Keary staid at home, because he felt a little ill and went to the doctor's. When he arrived at home, the postman was just giving some money to Arden.
shouted Lloyd, when the postman was gone. Kim's mother was hesitating, how to answer, but very soon she had found the solution.
started she to explain, but her husband interrupted her speech.
Lloyd was suspicious. His wife became angry.
she showed the bills to her husband,
Kim's father didn't say any more, because he thought the things in order. And he never knew, that the money continued to be send to his wife. Kim, who was watching the scene, hidden behind the staircase, knew it very well, but didn't say anything. She wasn't able to make sense of all these things, but much more later she would be able to understand. The weeks continued and the day of the class trip approached. Each day Kim was praying for a miracle. But when the morning of the depart arrived, her mother took Maude to school and locked up Kim in her room. When Arden reached the school, the big bus, which would bring the children to the airport, was waiting on the parking area. A lot of bags and rucksacks stand beside the luggage space. Some teachers were calling and counting their pupils and a lot of parents waited to say goodbye to their children. Arden went with a pretence of being sad to Kim's teacher.
She said her lies in such a grief way, that the teacher was very touched.
The teacher took a short look at the wristwatch.
So she shook the hand of Kim's mother and went back to the children, who were waiting for her besides the bus. Arden was very content about the successful outcome and went back home. There she liberated Kim. But when she turned the key, there was no screaming hellcat waiting for her, but a silent girl, who didn't look up to her mother while she was reading a book.
asked she toneless.
there was pure cynicism in her voice while Kim was looking in her mother's eyes.
She went out of the room and came back a few minutes later with a tray in her hands. With a smug smiling she put down the tray on the bed.
Kim was nauseated and turned her head away.
Kim closed her eyes and pretended to sleep, while her mother left the room. The door staid a little bit open, another idiosyncrasy of her mother, who always wanted to hear, what the girls were doing or speaking. Kim decided to take the lunch with her mother and grandmother, but when she finished, she ran to her room and entrenched herself behind her books. Maude was very surprised when she came home from school and saw Kim lying on the bed, reading a book. But before the two sisters were able to talk, Maude had to make her homework under the strict eyes of her mother. When the two girls went to bed and their mother put out the light, Maude sneaked to her sister's bed.
Kim embraced her little sister.
But her sister understood more, than Kim could imagine.
Maude looked mischievously on her sister who was very surprised by her little sister. Such a lot of courage she never imagined.
promised Maude and gave her sister a big kiss, then she returned to her bed. But all the time before she felt asleep she felt sorry for her sister. The two weeks were the hell for Kim. She wasn't allowed to leave the house, not even to play in the garden. She read a lot of books, listened to the radio and lived in her own dreamworld. One time her mother went shopping, so Kim ran to her grandmother to tell her all her troubles.
Kim looked at her grandmother in surprise.
Kim turned back to her room, in a thoughtful mood. She had some words in mind, such as "passive resistance" or "adjust to survive". She saw very clearly, that without money she wouldn't reach anything in this world and that it could last a long time, that she would be obliged to do as her mother wants, until she would be free. But after this discussion with her grandmother, Kim began to build a frame of her coming liberty. Dreams became wishes and she worked for their fulfillment.
said one day her mother, when she entered the kitchen with the newspaper in her hands, while Kim took her breakfast.
asked Kim and looked in her mother's face.
Kim shouted very loudly.
But her mother shook her head and went out. Some days later she told her daughter, that she had found a place for her where to work during the holidays.
Kim was surprised and showed it. Her mother allowed her to work? Why? She asked her mother, who waved it aside.
shouted her mother.
So Kim went to the office day after day. First she was anxious and timid, but after a short time and with the help of her colleagues she passed trough. Sure, the colleagues joked about her, because her mother carried her all the time, but Kim said, that it was cheaper than the bus and so they accepted. But inside of herself Kim was angry about her mother. Why couldn't she take the bus? Why wasn't she allowed to grow up, to become independent? The holidays passed fast and Kim liked her work a lot. But she knew very well, that she never would like it as her job. She couldn't imagine herself as an architect! She liked always to work with animals or to do a job, where she could need the languages she learned. Things, her mother never could or would understand. Kim learned, that a woman, working as an architect, had to do much more, than a man, to be considered as good. Kim always dreamt of a husband and children, living on a farm with a lot of animals, outsides the town. But as an architect she would have to open her own office in a town or to join an office there. She would to make overtime and to work the weekends. This perspective made her cry, but she had nobody to speak about.
asked the boss one day his secretaries. The women looked up from their work.
asked the oldest secretary.
asked another woman. Only Kim was standing aside, waiting patiently.
laughed the boss.
said the oldest secretary.
whispered Kim and looked around her. The other women shook their head and so she continued. The boss gave her the two tickets.
Kim nodded her head, but rested in silence. She was not willing to say, that she had no friend to go with her, only somebody of her own family. When she was at her way home in her mother's car, she showed the tickets to Arden.
but her mother interrupted Kim.
shouted Arden. Kim wasn't very happy. The only thought, that her mother would stay during the whole evening at her side, wasn't very promising.
said Kim's mother, who couldn't see the pale face of her daughter.
whispered Kim and went like a little, grey shadow to her room. Friday evening she had to accept the clothes, her mother had chosen for her. During the performance Kim tried not to hear the low comments, her mother made and to enjoy the play of the actors, but after the event, when they were in the car on their way back home, she was obliged to show some reactions on her mother's comments.
Arden shook her head, displeased. But her daughter had another opinion and dared to explain this.
was the last comment of Arden, who always tried to have the last word. So Kim stayed in silence until home and went to bed with another big experience. At the theatre she had tried to held back her feelings, but now, as she reviewed in her mind the play, she could laugh and cry – silently, because her sister was still sleeping beside her in the same room. Often, when she watched TV, she had tears running down her face, when the film had a happy-end and she had to hide them, because her mother wouldn't understand, that her daughter could loose like this her self-control. Even music, classic or not, could have the same effect on her. She wasn't able to say, if it was the content of the text or the music alone – or together, what made her shiver and cry. Beauty in all forms made Kim cry with a strange feeling in her breast. Often she tried to be like some of the women she had as example, but much more often she wished to be a man, free in the whole sense of the word, free in her decisions, free to choose her own way of life. After some years, she began to make her own costumes, men's costumes. When she played Robin Hood, pirate or robber, she felt a big self-confidence, she never felt in her real life, because her mother always tried to show her, that all, Kim made or said was inferior. Sometimes, when she knew, that she was alone in the house, Kim was singing loud, when they played a song she liked in the radio. Once, she hadn't heard, that her mother had come back from shopping. Kim was singing, trying to imitate the voice of Frank Sinatra, when her mother entered the room. Kim stopped immediately, but it was too late! She got a red face like a tomato, as if she had been surprised by I don't know what a bad thing.
asked her mother surprised. Kim closed her eyes, ashamed and humiliated. She tried to hold back the tears of anger and disappointment, which were burning in her eyes.
asked she her mother.
answered Arden. Kim was touched deep in her soul. Wasn't it the only way to show something of herself, to try to bear all, what was on her heart, her soul? Was it really true, that she had a bad voice? At school they had never sung, nobody had heard her voice. Sure, she knew, that her voice was more a male, than a female one, but it hadn't disturbed her – until yet! The few words, her mother had spoken, were like swords, tearing apart her heart! She tried to hide her feelings, but inside of her, it was the hell! When her mother left the room with a contemptuous shaking of her head, Kim broke out in tears. Even this innocent happiness wasn't allowed to her. During a long, a very long time, she didn't sing. Another big problem was the underwear! Her mother was still buying panties and bras for Kim, without asking her daughters opinion. Concerning the clothes, Kim was allowed to go shopping with her mother, but when she asked for something, what didn't pleased her mother, the answer was: "It's too expensive, it's too colorful" or "It's not fitting!" Tee-shirts had to be "plain" and one color, Kim was allowed to have slacks, but no jeans, skirts had to bee long, even when the mini came into fashion and shoes had to be flat, brown or black. Her mother always told Kim, that it was her money – better: her husband's money – and so she would decide, what her daughter could wear. And when Kim earned her first own money, her mother achieved, that Kim's boss transferred the salary to a savings book at her own bank, so Kim couldn't touch her own salary. And because Kim was not allowed to have a key of her own for the entrance door, she never had the possibility to go out, whenever she wanted. Each time she was obliged to ask her mother to open the door and when Arden asked her daughter, where she wanted to go, she always obliged Kim to go together with her. Going shopping or buying something on her own – Kim never knew! The most of the time, her mother bought the things, she thought to be "fitting for her daughter", Kim wasn't asked at all if something pleased her or not. So Kim grew up and the end of her school time came nearer. One day Kim saw an advertisement in the newspaper, that a riding school will open in her town the next weekend. Kim asked and pried her mother to allow her to take riding hours and after a long discussion, when the grandmother accepted to pay the bills for her granddaughter, Arden said yes. Kim was in the seventh heaven! Sure, she had been on a horseback during the holidays or when a fair was in the town, but this had nothing in common with "riding". So she was allowed to take weekly one hour, first in the riding hall, later in the paddock and in the countryside. Kim was very happy, to practice her dream, but very fast she learned to know the worse sides of the riding school. The horses were not treated as well as possible, they had to work a lot, but the feeding wasn't satisfying at all. And most of the horses had been bought very cheap before the slaughter and had a lot of vices. But Kim stayed, even when a lot of other girls and a few boys gave up riding under those bad conditions. Kim was falling down a lot of times, but each time, her mother tried to convince her to give up, she didn't agree. And because she never was blessed seriously, her mother accepted her daughter's choice to continue. After some month, the riding school achieved the transformation of another barn to a stable and offered the possibility to those, who wanted to have their own horse, to led boxes. Kim was very excited. She asked for the prices and when she made the calculation, she had only one thing in her head: a horse of her own!
Kim tried to lay all her conviction in her voice and looked at her mother as if she was the Messiah. Arden was thinking. Sure, a horse would cost a lot of money, but if she allowed her daughter to have a horse, Kim would stay at home, taking care of the animal and having no time for other thoughts, like leaving home or becoming adult.
Kim, who had listened to her mother without a breath, shouted with joy and flung her arms around her mother's neck.
Then she ran out of the room, to hide her tears of joy, which were rolling down her cheeks. And Arden thought, that Kim will stay always the little girl, she liked her daughter to be and she was very contented with her decision. The following days, Kim asked her mother to buy a lot of horse magazines, but Arden took her daughter with her to the newspaper shop and they looked for the advertising, without buying a magazine. At last Kim found a horse, which was not expensive at all, the owner liked to sell it, because he had to leave his home town for the university. Kim called him, but to her disappointment, the horse was yet sold. But the young man told her the address and phone number of the breeder, he had bought his horse from. So Kim called the breeder with fears in her heart. Would he have some horses to sell? Young or old ones? And the prices? After two dial tones, the breeder took the call.
Nervously she waited for the answer.
Kim was very excited.
Kim put the phone at its place and began to count the hours until Saturday afternoon. Time seemed to go at a snail's pace, but at last the big day was coming! Of course, it was Kim's mother, who took her daughter with the car to the breeder, although she didn't know anything about horses and didn't like them very much. After a short hour, they turned into a wide alley and Kim looked very interested out of the windows. Behind the trees there were wide pastures, divided by wooden fences, paint in white. Here and there she saw horses grazing or having a rest. When the car passed, they took up their heads and looked in the direction of the voice, but very soon they returned to normality. Arden stopped the car in the big court in the shadow of a long stable. All was clean and in order and Kim enjoyed this. The breeder went out of the house and welcomed them.
said Kim, while her mother made a little sign with her head, as greeting.
said Arden. Arden wasn't able to make the difference between a Shire horse and a Thoroughbred, but she liked to make feel the man, who she considered as an inferior, simple yokel, that she was somebody better, from an upper class. Kim was ashamed, but said nothing. She knew very well, that the middle-aged man in blue-jeans and simple cotton shirt was a very rich baronet, using only a part of his family-name, who earned his fortune with jewels, but lived like a simple man, breeding and training horses. But he seemed not to be annoyed by Arden's behavior, because he saw the shimmering eyes of Kim, who looked around her, pleased by the things she saw. So he went to a stable, where some horses waited in their boxes and the two women followed him. Five young geldings were there, so noble and beautiful, Kim never had seen before. The young horses had been started to be trained only a few month before and they showed the beginning of a muscular build, waiting for further competitions. Five pairs of intelligent eyes were looking at the visitors and ten ears were listening with attention, while Kim went from one box to another.
asked the man, while Kim was stroking smooth noses and shimmering necks. It was a hard decision. Perhaps the big brown horse with a long blaze in the middle of his face? Or the chestnut with two white pasterns? No, look! The small black one with a white star in the middle of his forehead seemed willing to break out of his box, to get a tender stroke.
whispered Kim and looked with admiration on the small gelding.
The owner went to the tack room and came back with the material. He saddled the horse very well in a very kind way and took it out to the paddock. With an elegant jump Kim was in the saddle, the horse was waiting quietly. When Kim gave the first sign, the horse began to step, the movements were smooth and comfortable. After a few minutes Kim was sure, that this was a very good horse.
she asked and the man agreed.
He went to the stable and came back with a big brown hunter, the horse, he used to ride on hunting events. Together with Kim they made a short ride in the countryside. When they reached the path, Kim, who felt already one with her horse, asked, if she could try out some of the fences.
answered the man. So Kim began with a canter on the sandy ground and let the young horse find his own way to jump. Very fast she had a feeling of confidence and security in this young horse, she had never before, when she was riding the horses of the riding school. After some time, they took the way back and Kim helped to look after the horse. Kim was in the seventh heaven.
smiled the man.
shouted Kim, but her mother was breaking the enthusiasm of her daughter.
invited them the man and they followed him to the office, which was a small room at one end of the big stable. There he invited them to take place in big leather chairs, while he looked for the pedigree and vaccination sheet in an old fashioned cupboard. Then he showed them a pre-fabricated contract.
He opened his hand and Kim shook on a deal. Arden was looking for her chequebook, but Kim stopped her with a sign.
and she paid the man. After a short good-bye from HER horse, mother and daughter went home in the car. Kim was dreaming about Black Diamond, but Arden was thinking about another thing.
Kim had waited for this question, so she was not surprised.
But Kim had her own opinion about those things. Whatever will happen, the horse had been bought with her own money and she was the owner, written in the contract.
answered Kim, before she stayed in silence. The next morning Kim was very soon in the riding school to look, that the box was prepared and to wait, that her horse will arrive. At last she heard the tires on the stones and ran out to welcome her horse.
He smiled, when he saw, how excited Kim was. The man opened the loading ramp of the van and helped Kim, to make her horse come out. With careful steps, the magnificent horse left the van and had a look at his new stable, when he was standing on the gravel. Kim offered him some sugar and the horse took it with care out of her hand.
smiled the man, while he gave her the rope. Kim stroke the fine neck of her horse and smiled back.
she assured the man.
Then he took his leave and Kim looked at her horse. She wasn't yet able to understand, that Black Diamond was hers! She took the horse to the stable and spent a long time with him, until her mother came and told her to go back home.
told her Arden. Kim didn't answer, she was too happy, to discuss those things with her mother. From this day on, Kim, when she had finished the homework for school, went out to the riding school to take a ride out with Black Diamond. Or – we have to say – her mother brought her to the riding school in her car, stayed there during Kim was riding and took her home with the car. Even when she had a bad ankle, Arden didn't allow her big daughter to go to her horse on bike or with the bus. But Kim didn't worry. In a short time, horse and rider had confidence in each other and Kim was the most happy girl, when Black Diamond galloped as fast as he could over the grasslands and her beautiful hair mixed with the horse's mane. Kim entrusted her life to the horse and Black Diamond never refused to obey her. So Kim spent her time between school and stable and when she passed her A-levels, she was one of the best. When she came home with the certificate, she was smiling.
said her father and pat her on the back. Kim's mother took the certificate out of her daughter's hand. After a small look on it, she said:
Kim's smile was frozen, when she heard her mother's words. Wasn't it enough, that she had finished school as one of the best? But her mother tried again to spoil her daughter's enjoyment.
Kim was so disappointed, that she was near to tears.
Arden seemed to agree to her daughter. she asked Kim. Kim had well-prepared the answer of this question, she was so afraid to be obliged to answer.
she whispered. But her mother started to shout.
Arden looked at her husband, who seemed to agree with her. But Kim tried to fight for her happiness.
shouted her mother. Arden's head became red and Kim would like to eclipse from her mother's nastiness. But this wasn't all. Arden had prepared the worse for last.
Kim had listened to this long monologue without batting an eyelid, only when her mother spoke about selling Black Diamond, she began to shake all over and all color went out of her face. Now she took all of her force to answer her mother.
Then her voice broke and she run out of the kitchen, upstairs to her room. There she slipped into her bed and cried all the tears, she had. She didn't go for dinner and during her restless sleep, the nightmare came back to her. More than before she felt, that she was at her mother's mercy, more than before she wished to find the helping man. In her nightmare there was a solution, even when her health was destroyed, but in reality, there was nobody near to give her hope and help. Where was the young man, who would deliver her from her family's jailhouse? How many days and nights would she have to wait for freedom? Some of her classmates had since several years a boyfriend, some were brides and would be married in a few month. And Kim? She never had had a boyfriend – with or without sex! When she was riding on her horse, sometimes she had a very good feeling, as when she could fly, a feeling of weightlessness and like a daydream, when pleasant shivers were running in her body – but she had no exactly knowledge of sex and love. Only a vague feeling of yearning, an ardent wish to love and to be loved. Something holy! One day her grandmother told her to keep herself "clean" for the man, she will marry one day and there was no doubt, that Kim won't have a possibility to do otherwise. The O'Keary family continued to live this life cut out from the outside world, as they did it before. Kim went to the university, but even there her mother brought her the morning in her car and came back in the evening to bring her daughter back home. Kim was so intimidated by her mother's behavior, that she never tried to make friends. During the holidays she was obliged to work at the architect's office and it was very rare, that she did something else, than learning and riding her horse. Her life continued to flow after the same rules, week after week, month after month and year after year. So she reached her twenties.
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AJÁNLOM AZ OLDALT
